Unrequited Devotion
by writer-who-must-not-be-named
Summary: Unrequited Bellamort, exploring the reasons for Bellatrix's descent into madness through flashbacks.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1 _

_"sacrifices are concerned with the feelings of devotion and longing." Xun Zi_

"Answer me! Crucio!" Frank Longbottom writhed and screamed on the floor at her feet. She laughed.

Rodolphus, Rabastan and Barty entered the room again, bringing Alice Longbottom with them.

"If you won't tell me where he is, then you can watch while I torture your wife."

"No!" moaned Frank.

She needed to find him, he needed her. The Dark Lord couldn't really be gone, or... dead, could he? That was not an option. She had to find him. If she succeeded he would reward her beyond all others. They alone were searching. He couldn't be dead; she couldn't live without him...

"You're in the Order of the Phoenix, you must know where he is, tell me!" she screamed. Her hair was flying everywhere and she knew she must look mad.

"We don't know anything about Voldemort!" It was Alice who spoke. Bellatrix's anger exploded like a bomb, and the Longbottoms were back on the floor.

"How dare you use the Dark Lord's name?" she screamed.

She steadied herself and looked into the woman's mind. She could see nothing to do with her master, only the image of a small child who must be their son. Narcissa, her sister, had a son, Draco, who was a similar age to the Longbottoms' son. She remembered the last time she had visited Narcissa and held the baby Draco. They couldn't leave the child without parents, could they? But she didn't want to lose face in front of the others – she had a carefully cultivated reputation for ruthlessness.

"Leave them, Rodolphus. They don't know anything, I've looked inside her mind, they are worthless." She said in her best attempt at a commanding tone.

"Whatever, you're in charge." He flicked his wand carelessly and the couple fell unconscious to the ground. Coming over to her, Rodolphus placed a hand possessively around her waist, whispering,

"Trixie, you might not have the Dark Lord, but we've still got each other."

She hated Rodolphus. She had never loved him, never wanted to marry him. She tried to push away, reluctant to curse him. She glared at him but he kept his hands tight around her waist, still whispering in her ear,

"Come on, love, lighten up, I love you, Trixie..."

She could tell Rabastan and Barty were watching them and could hear Barty laughing,

"Shut up, Barty, don't you dare..." she growled, hoping she sounded threatening.

She heard the door open and spun round, only to find her wand flying from her hand – a non-verbal disarming spell – she had been too busy trying to get away from Rodolphus to be on her guard.

Moody, the Auror, stepped into the room and caught her wand deftly in his hand...

_Author's Note:_

_It will get better, so please be patient: this is my first multi-chapter fic._

_Thanks to all of the people who I've made read this before I posted it..._

_Evelyn of the witch hunt: for explaining what ooc meant and standing up for Rodolphus_

_Charli: for replying to my emails_

_Nikki: for making me write this in the first place_

_Bryony: for the tea, cake and advice_

_Owen: for knowing that Harry Potter is the way to my heart_

_Reviews=love_


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

"_True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself."__ Henry Miller_

Bella felt her face redden. How could this happen? She was wandless, with Rodolphus still holding her round the waist. The room was filling with Aurors.

Moody came towards her, a smirk on his face, evidently surprised to find Bellatrix, an infamous Death Eater, with her husband whispering in her ear. Rodolphus pushed her away and stepped backwards, she felt a sudden surge of anger that he was abandoning her; a burst of magic escaped her, taking everyone by surprise. Rodolphus, Barty and Rabastan were flung to the ground along with some of the Aurors, but now she was drained, she had to fight to stay standing.

Moody, however, with a wave of his wand had deflected the magic; "incarcera!" chains flew from his wand to bind her arms and legs, looking at the others she could see they were also bound, but only she remained standing.

"Well, that was easier than I thought," said Moody, and some of the Aurors began to laugh. Another wave of anger flooded her. She hated the Aurors and Moody, but most of all she hated Rodolphus; it was his fault she hadn't been on her guard when they entered the room, his fault she seemed weak. The wandless magic had tired her though, and now she was unable to fight back. She felt powerless for the first time in many years and a tear almost escaped her as she thought of what the Dark Lord would say if he could see her now...

She was not going to show any weakness. With effort she stood a little straighter and squared her shoulders. The others were still lying bound on the floor.

Moody stepped towards her, wand raised. She smirked, she was glad that, although she was powerless, he was still wary of her.

"We've got quite a haul for Azkaban today." He said with pleasure in his voice. He turned away from her, issuing instructions to the Aurors on trials and transportation of the prisoners.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, she needed to keep calm. She felt some of her strength return. She was his strongest, most powerful warrior. She couldn't let herself be captured without a fight.

She edged her hand slowly down her side, until she reached the pocket containing her knife. She pulled it from its sheath and threw it, straight as ever, at Moody. He spun round and with a flick of his wand cast a shield charm, her knife fell to the floor, useless. He slashed his wand downwards, she felt a blow across her face and fell to the floor, and she saw Moody's gnarled mouth twist into a smile before she fell unconscious.

_Author's note: Thanks for reading, I really appreciate the favourites!_

_Reviews = love_


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

"_I've got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,  
>Nothing to forget and I've got nothing to regret,<br>But I'm all tied up on the inside,  
>No one knows quite what I've got;<br>And I know that on the outside  
>What I used to be, I'm not anymore."<em>

_Don McLean, Crossroads_

She opened her eyes, seeing a room tiled in black, giving it an oppressive feel. It was unnaturally cold, her breath rose as a fine mist in front of her face.

She remembered being captured by Moody and the Aurors, she looked around but there was no-one there. She moved to the door, which was locked but had one small window through which she could see a hooded Dementor just outside. That explained why it was so cold, but other than that the Dementor appeared not to have affected her. Did she have a soul anymore? She smiled.

The door opened and an Auror, wand held before him, reached in and dragged her out. She stood straight and walked in the direction he indicated, with as much dignity as possible. At the end of the corridor she entered another room, where Rodolphus, Rabastan and Barty were waiting. Rodolphus ran towards her as she entered.

"Trixie, are you alright? What have they done to you? Moody knocked you out... the trial's about to start..."

"Rodolphus, I don't need you, leave me alone." She didn't want to have to talk to him; it was his fault they had been captured. But they had searched for the Dark Lord. She would be rewarded, she had been faithful.

They entered the courtroom, flanked by Dementors, Crouch looked down at her with disdain; she glared up at him with as much contempt as she could muster and sat down on the chained chair.

She looked into the crowd lining the walls of the courtroom, she could see Narcissa, pale and concerned. Their eyes met. Narcissa had never shared her loyalty to the Dark Lord, but she had always understood it: Bellatrix was completely devoted to him. Narcissa looked away; she couldn't bear to see her sister disgraced like this.

"I ask the jury to raise their hands if they believe, as I do, that these crimes deserve a life sentence in Azkaban."

The witches and wizards of the Wizenegamot raised their hands in unison and the crowd began to clap and jeer. Narcissa however kept her hands folded in her lap. She looked at her sister with pity. Bellatrix couldn't take it anymore; she stood up and called,

"The Dark Lord will rise again, Crouch! Throw us into Azkaban, we will wait! He will rise again and will come for us; he will reward us beyond any of his other supporters! We alone were faithful! We alone tried to find him!"

Although she addressed Crouch, she spoke to Narcissa; she knew the Dark Lord would come for her, but Narcissa would need to be reassured. She didn't share Bella's faith.

_Author's Note: Thank you very much to TheGreatAndPowerfulMoz and butterfly450 for their reviews._

_In the next chapter: Bellatrix's memories of Sirius..._

_Reviews=love_


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

"_The family is a haven in a heartless world." Christopher Lasch_

_Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and Bellatrix belongs to Voldemort!_

She looked up at Azkaban; the building was tall and windowless. She shivered, damp with spray from the sea, but also chilled by the aura of the Dementors. How could he have left her here? He had called her his most loyal, his most faithful...

She was led inside, through faceless corridors and past barred cells. In most of them the occupants were cowering near the back, shrinking away from the Dementors on either side of her. She recognised some of the faces, people she had known, shrunk inside themselves, changed. Was that what Azkaban did to people? Was that what would happen to her?

She passed another cell; however its occupant did not shrink back, but looked out and held her gaze. With a start, she recognised Sirius, her cousin. She remembered the last time she had spoken to him...

"Sirius has gone, he's run away. He is a disgrace to the family: his mother has already burned his name off the family tree." Bella's father addressed the three sisters, "I don't want you to have anything to do with him. He is dead to us."

Later that night she had apparated to James Potter's house, the one place Sirius would have gone. It was dark and raining heavily as she turned up the garden path and knocked on the door, glancing quickly over her shoulder to see if anyone had followed her.

After what seemed like an age, the door opened and James Potter appeared. When he saw her, he drew his wand,

"What are you doing here, pureblood princess? Sirius doesn't want to see you, you're dead to him. Why don't you just go home so you can worship Voldemort and fuck Rodolphus?"

His voice was raised and as Bellatrix drew her wand to curse him, Sirius appeared in the hallway.

"Alright Prongs? What's going on?"

He saw Bella and his eyes widened,

"Bella? What are you doing here?" he turned to James, "Aren't you going to let her in?"

Relieved, Bella pushed past James, her hair and cloak dripping. "Dead to him?" she said scathingly as she passed.

Sirius let her into the lounge and when James made to follow her, put out an arm to stop him, "Could you leave us, please?"

James looked reluctant, but turned to go, "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

When the door was closed, Sirius stepped a little closer to her, "I appreciate your coming, Bella, but I've made my decision."

"You can't turn your back on your family. Your mother's burned your name off the tapestry already. You've disgraced us. I'll never be allowed to see you again..."

"But you came now. Why?"

"You're my friend, Sirius. There's still time, you could come back with me now, no-one would ever need to know, the family could keep it a secret."

"No, Bella, I can't." For the first time he sounded impatient. "I've never felt at home there, I've never loved them, they want to turn me into something I'm not."

"Perhaps you should be."

"I'm sorry, Bella, I can't." His tone softened, "but you can stay here, with us, you don't have to go back. They're dark wizards; you can turn away from that. You can stay with me."

"No, Sirius, I can never run away, not now." She glanced involuntarily at her left arm.

"You haven't?" He stepped towards her, seized her arm and ripped her sleeve back. He looked down at where the black skull and serpent was burned into her pale forearm. His expression was one of disbelief,

"How could you? Weak people get taken in, but even you, Bella? I thought you were strong enough to stay away."

His voice was quiet but it felt like he had shouted at her, his disbelief and disappointment were worse than anger. She couldn't think of what to say, how to explain why she had become a Death Eater, why she was devoted to Voldemort...

The door opened just as she was going to snatch her arm back, James Potter entered, his eyes flicked between the two of them and then he saw the Dark Mark on her arm. He looked briefly shocked and then stepped between her and Sirius, drawing his wand.

"I knew it." He spat, "Sirius, she's just a filthy Death Eater, get away from her. She's not your family anymore. Bellatrix, just go, I should never have let you in, get out."

She didn't know what to say, Sirius looked angry and confused, he wasn't going to come away with her. She couldn't curse James, because then people would find out that she'd been here. Sirius should be dead to her, but she still found it hard to turn her back on him. Without looking at him she turned on the spot and disapparated.

After holding his gaze for a few moments she looked away, shocked as she remembered the way James had spoken to her.

She was led down more faceless corridors, past countless cells to a part of the prison that seemed to be empty. A cell door opened and she was pushed inside.

_Author's Note: Thanks go to all of my betas and to you for reading_

_Also, thanks to butterfly450 for the review again, and for encouraging me to write longer chapters!_

_Reviews=love_


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

"_Time doesn't change us, it just unfolds us." Max Frisch_

She sat in the darkness, tracing the pattern of the skull and snake on her forearm. She didn't need the light to know it was there. It had been weeks, but the Dark Mark was proof that he would come back for her. She exhaled and watched the moonlight dance on the damp walls of the cell. The Dementors would return soon, to torture her. And he still hadn't come to save her. Her master.

She still had her memories. They were the only thing that connected her to the real world, the one thing they couldn't take away.

She remembered the first time she had spoken to the Dark Lord, when her life had changed forever...

"Tomorrow, when you come of age, you will announce to the family your engagement to Rodolphus Lestrange, everything has been arranged. He will be the perfect husband for you."

She couldn't believe what her father was saying: marry Rodolphus? They had barely spoken since their childhood, how could they spend the rest of their lives together?

She stood up, "Father! I can't marry Rodolphus, not yet. I haven't even left Hogwarts yet. You can't make me..." she glared at her father, she was shouting now and she choked as his silencing spell hit her.

"Bellatrix Black. Do not contradict me; this is your duty to the Black family. You will marry Rodolphus, that is final. You are a woman, Bellatrix. You cannot continue meddling in matters that are far beyond you. You will do as I say, now get out."

With a rush of air he lifted the silencing charm. She couldn't face him now; she turned and ran from the study. She didn't want to return to her bedroom, as her sisters would want to talk to her. She needed to be alone. She opened the heavy door to the library with a creak and entered, closing it carefully behind her. Here it was quiet and she would be able to think without her father finding her.

"Bellatrix Black."

The voice was cold and came from the corner of the library: there was someone else there. She took a step forward, curious despite herself. Who was this and what were they doing in her father's library?

"I am Lord Voldemort. I, like you, need a quiet place to think."

Her heart was beating unnaturally fast, how did he know what she had been thinking? Lord Voldemort was leader of the Death Eaters; he was a pioneer of Dark Magic and greatly admired and feared by her father.

"Bellatrix, I have seen your thoughts, your dreams, you want to learn the secrets of dark magic, you want power. I can give you that, I can teach you everything. Magic others have never dreamed of."

She had only been speaking to him for a few moments, but he knew everything about her. It scared her, but she couldn't admit that, although she knew he would be reading her thoughts at that very moment. She did want to be powerful, to learn dark magic, could he really teach her? He must be a powerful wizard if he could read her thoughts. She stood a little straighter and took a deep breath. She looked into his eyes, which she was shocked to see were red in colour; they stood out in contrast with his pale skin and dark hair. They met her gaze and she felt dizzy, as if she was about to fall into their depths. He could teach her dark magic and give her the power she desperately wanted.

"I will teach you everything, Bellatrix, I have seen your mind, and there is strength there, a thirst to prove yourself and a willingness to learn. I will train you, you will be rewarded beyond all others, but if you fail, I will punish you the most severely. I will show you the greatest secrets of magic, but what will you give me in return?"

"Everything."

From that moment she was his, he had told her everything she had wanted to hear, she wanted to learn: be powerful, respected, even feared...

She opened her eyes, it was still dark. It was always dark now. The light was gone from her life: she only had the memories and the fading skull and serpent on her forearm to remind her of what had been.

They should be coming for her now, to torture her. In a way she admired their sadism, they were heartless in a way she had never been. With every day she lost a part of her soul, her sanity. He was gone now; there was nothing left for her.

She felt the chill of their presence before she saw them. It filled her with foreboding but she fought to stay calm. She was his most faithful servant, his right hand woman. She knew he would still come back for her. That faith was what kept her alive. They wanted to hurt her, make her cry, but she would not give them the satisfaction.

Three Dementors entered the cell. They moved towards her and although she tried to suppress them, memories flashed across her mind...

...aged about six, she cowered in a corner of her father's study, he stood over her, "Bellatrix! You will not disgrace yourself at another family occasion, no matter what Rodolphus says or does to anger you, do you understand?" his slap rang through the room. Tears brimming in her eyes, she hid her face in her hands as he shouted, "get out, Bellatrix!" she ran from the room...

...she sat by her mother's beside, holding her hand. Narcissa sat on her other side, sobbing. Her mother's breaths were now ragged gasps; she gripped Bella's hand and looked into her eyes. "Look after your sisters, Bella, and remember, _Toujours Pur_." The light in her mother's eyes faded and her hand slipped from Bella's grasp...

She began to see another flash of memory, but pulled herself from her despair. They couldn't control her thoughts; she wouldn't remember her past like that. The Dementors appeared surprised, with effort she repelled them from her mind, she was strong, and the Dark Lord himself had taught her how to control her mind. The three Dementors withdrew from the cell and she sank to the floor, trembling from the effort it had taken to repel them.

_Author's note: Thanks to all my friends for their suggestions and comments on this chapter, as I found it quite hard to write._

_Thanks also to butterfly450 (is this chapter long enough?) and PhilosopherStone909 for the reviews._

_Reviews=love_


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

"_loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu_

She couldn't remember how long she'd been there, staring into the darkness, day after day, week after week. Abandoned by everyone.

She heard a noise in the corridor outside and saw a light outside the barred door. She stood up, her legs shaking, unused to movement. She was curious despite herself. The light came closer, she could make out a figure coming towards her, but it wasn't a Dementor. As they came closer she saw they were tall and slim, with a patronus gliding before them. As it came closer she saw it was a swan, bringing with it a wave of light and warmth. Bellatrix looked up into her sister's face,

"Cissy!" her voice sounded hoarse from lack of use. Narcissa came closer, squinting into the darkness of the cell,

"Bella," she sounded shocked, "what's happened to you?" the light of the patronus flickered and Narcissa moved even closer to her sister, her forehead pressed to the bars of the cell. Bellatrix had changed since they had last met. Her face was sunken and her eyes seemed dull.

"Cissy, how long has it been?"

"Six months, Bella. They wouldn't let me come to see you. I was only allowed now because Lucius is such good friends with the Minister for Magic. I've missed you, Bella..."

Narcissa's voice died away and Bellatrix heard a sob. She was surprised to find her eyes were filling with tears. Knowing that Narcissa cared about her and missed her made her cry in a way the Dementors' torture never could.

"Bella, does he really mean this much to you? He never loved you... what if he never comes back? You could die here..." Narcissa's broke off, choked by tears.

"Cissy, he isn't dead, he could never die. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me. I would do anything for him. He will come for me; I am his most faithful servant."

She had never let the possibility cross her mind that she might die in prison. He wouldn't let that happen, would he? She couldn't let Narcissa know her fears.

"I will die here for him if I have to."

"You won't die here, you won't go mad. You've got your memories, they can't take those away. Remember that, remember him."

Choking back tears, Narcissa turned and almost ran back down the corridor, away from her sister.

Bellatrix sat back down and traced the patterns in the rough stone walls, keeping her memories close.

"You have done well, Bella."

She looked up at her master, face flushed with pride. He rarely praised her. On this occasion she had duelled him for about fifteen minutes before he defeated her. Although she had still lost, she had never fought for that long before.

She had been training with him since Christmas, when she had first met him in her father's library, sneaking out of Hogwarts every weekend to train with him. Those few months had been the best of her life. Empowered by the dark magic she had been learning she had been able to treat her father and Rodolphus with civility. She loved training with the Dark Lord, when he praised her, it meant more than anything else.

"Bellatrix, you must learn to close your mind."

His voice cut across her thoughts. Blushing, she spoke,

"Yes, my lord."

"Next summer, when you are eighteen and have left Hogwarts, you can be Marked, and then you will be able to serve properly."

"Yes, my Lord, thank you. There can be no higher honour."

She would be Marked, finally. The moment she had been waiting for. Unfortunately, that summer would also see her marriage to Rodolphus.

_Author's Note: Thanks to Charli, Bryony and Evelyn of the Witch Hunt for reading this chapter first and sorting out the plot holes!_

_Thanks also to PhilosopherStone909 for the review, and to everyone who reads this._

_Reviews=love_


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

"_I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything."  
>Lawrence Durrell<em>

She looked up, roused from her memories. She could hear a noise outside her cell. She moved to the barred door. Looking out, she heard the whispering of a cloak on the ground, saw a flash of scarlet eyes, heard his voice, "Bella..."

She had known he would come back for her. She smiled for the first time in many months, reaching out a hand, she leaned towards him but there was nothing there. She must have been hallucinating. She was alone.

When the Dementors returned, she almost welcomed them. They brought her release from being alone, knowing he wouldn't come for her. As she watched her worst memories over again, she cried. Not for herself, for him.


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8_

"_See the things you want as already yours. Think of them as yours, as belonging to you, as already in your possession."_

_Robert Collier  
><em>

It had been many years now, the Dark Mark had faded, but it would never be gone completely. She crouched in the darkness, caressing it, remembering the night, only a few weeks after she had left Hogwarts and only months before her marriage to Rodolphus, when she had received it.

The Dark Lord had asked her to attend a meeting at her father's house, although he had assured her that her father would not be there, as he was not a Death Eater.

She had entered the hall, her heart hammering with a mixture of nerves and excitement. She didn't known what to expect, but this was the moment she had been waiting for.

She saw a cluster of people around the long table in the centre of the room. Everyone around the table was male and many of them were easily twice her age. Near the end of the table she caught sight of Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa's fiancée. He caught her eye and smiled uncertainly.

She didn't know where to sit or what to do. The Death Eaters began to notice she was there, turning around to get a better look at her. One man, who she didn't recognise, shouted,

"What do you think you're doing here, little girl?"

The others began to jeer, but they were silenced by the noise of someone apparating. She saw the Dark Lord appear at the head of the table. He beckoned her forwards,

"This is Bellatrix Black," he announced, "she will become a Death Eater this evening."

There was a wave of muttering around the table. She could hear someone exclaim, "Black? Cygnus' daughter?" she shuddered to think what her father would say if he knew she was here, but he would find out soon enough.

The Dark Lord raised a hand to silence the muttering. He drew his wand and beckoned her forwards again until she was standing immediately before him.

He pulled back her left sleeve, his fingers were ice cold as the touched her arm.

The Death Eaters round the table took in a collective gasp as he touched his wand lightly to her arm and held it there. She struggled not to scream as pain filled her body, spreading from her arm. Slowly, the black skull and serpent blossomed from the point his wand was touching. When the mark was fully formed, he withdrew his wand and invited her to sit down in the chair closest to him.

She saw the men around the table looking at her with jealousy, but she ignored their stares. She was initiated, sitting closest to her master, the moment she had been waiting for. She looked down at the indelible black skull and serpent on her arm. It was part of her now, there was no going back.

When Voldemort finally finished speaking, he dismissed the other Death Eaters, who left the room quickly. Bellatrix, however, sitting nearest to him, lingered. She didn't want to end the feeling of being included, the sense of power that came from being accepted with the men.

She had lost track of time after the end of the meeting. The door opened and her father entered. His eyes widened in surprise at seeing his daughter sitting at the table with the Dark Lord.

"I hope my eldest daughter has not being bothering you, my lord," Cygnus shot Bella a look of pure venom.

"On the contrary, she has only this evening become a Death Eater." The Dark Lord kept his voice light, but Bella was filled with pride to know that the Dark Lord didn't find her a nuisance.

Cygnus' expression, however, was one of disbelief, "but she's just a girl, she's barely out of Hogwarts, she will be married in only a few months."

The force of Voldemort's spell knocked her father backwards, flailing through the air. He hit the wall and slumped to the ground.

The Dark Lord met her gaze for a brief moment. She knew she was completely devoted to him. He had a power over her which her father did not. Her father had tried to make her fear him, but Lord Voldemort seemed to respect her in a way no-one else did.

"You must learn to close your mind, Bellatrix." She was left alone as he disapparated.

The memory faded, she couldn't remember anything else of what had happened later that evening. Was she going mad? She traced the pattern of the skull and serpent on her arm yet again, it seemed to comfort her, to let her know she was not alone, but the mark was fading, would it disappear?

_Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who reads/has favourite/reviewed this story, it really means a lot to me..._

_I found this chapter quite hard to write, so thanks to Evelyn of the witch hunt for helping me to work out what would happen, to Bryony for the long chat about it and to Charli for replying to my emails and coping with my fangirl weirdness!_

_Reviews=love_


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter 9_

"_Every whisper  
>Of every waking hour<br>I'm choosing my confessions  
>Trying to keep an eye on you<br>Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool,  
>Oh no, I've said too much."<em>

_R.E.M. – Losing my Religion_

When the Dementors next returned, she almost welcomed them. They let her know she wasn't alone and brought back some of her memories, even though they were some of her worst. She even welcomed the pain; it reminded her she could still feel, that part of her soul was still human, that she was still alive.

"Cissy, I need to go somewhere."

"Where, Bella?"

"Just to meet someone. Could you make an excuse for me?"

"Not unless you tell me what you're doing. You've been so mysterious the past few weeks, what are you hiding? Why was father shouting at you last night?"

Bella touched her cheek where her father had hit her. She didn't know how to explain so she took a deep breath and told Narcissa.

"Cissy, I'm a Death Eater." The words were like a weight off her chest.

Her sister's expression was blank, "What Bella? This can't be true..."

Her disbelief turned to anger, "How can you do this? You're shunning your duties as a pureblood, what would mother have said?"

"Don't try that, I don't care what mother would have said. I don't care about my duties as a pureblood. This is what I want to do with my life."

"But what about Rodolphus?"

"I don't care about Rodolphus. I don't love him and he'll never love me. I'll marry him if that's what I have to do, but that's it. I don't have someone like Lucius who cares for me. Rodolphus doesn't love me, father hates me, Andromeda and Sirius are gone and mother's dead. You're the only person I can talk to."

"Bella, I care about you, but what you're doing is selfish, you're the only family I have left now Andromeda's gone. Why are you doing this?"

"Lord Voldemort cares for me, he's taught me magic, given me power. He treats me as an equal."

Narcissa sighed, "Bella, he doesn't really care for you, he never will. I'll cover for you, but don't blame me when you get hurt."

The Dementors withdrew. Narcissa had kept to her word. Although she had seen her sister get hurt, she had always stood by her, even now she was in prison.

Bellatrix pressed her forehead to the cool, damp wall of her cell, fighting to remember that someone did love her, and care for her. Clutching her left arm and whispering his name she drifted back into the darkness of her mind, overcome with despair once more. The misery the Dementors created was washing over her, making her forget everything. She wouldn't be able to hold them off for much longer.

_Author's note: Special thanks go to Evelyn of the Witch Hunt, for persuading me to rewrite this chapter, because of the lack of argument. I hope we reached a happy middle ground!_

_Thanks to everyone for reading and to all of you who have added this to your favourites or alerts. It does mean a lot to me._

_Sorry, but I won't be able to update next week as it's Christmas, but I'll be back the week after!_

_x_


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter 10_

_Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear._

_Mark Twain_

She looked up. The Dementors were returning. The black cloud of memories filled her mind once more, clouding her senses.

It was a month or so after she had joined the Death Eaters. She was kneeling before Voldemort in the cold drawing room of her father's house.

"Bellatrix, you have failed me today."

She looked down at the floor, twisting her hands in her lap. What if her father or Cissy came home? She said nothing.

"And because you have failed me, you deserve to be punished, do you not?"

She took a deep breath, unsure of what was going to happen. Would he kill her now?

"Yes, my lord."

He had obviously read her thoughts, knew she was afraid. He paced behind her, so she couldn't see him. He knew that would make her more afraid.

"Crucio."

The spell took her by surprise; she didn't have time to brace herself. She fell forwards onto the floor, screaming.

At last he lifted the curse and she was able to take a few ragged gasps. She tried to push herself back into the kneeling position, but the Dark Lord struck her across the face and she fell to the floor again.

Many hours later she lay, drifting in and out of consciousness on the cold stone floor. Voldemort approached her,

"Have you learnt your lesson now, my Bella?"

"Yes, my lord." She gasped.

"Do not fail me again."

He disapparated, leaving her alone.

_Author's note: Sorry it's taken me so long to update this time, I've been really busy!_

_Thanks to everyone who reads this and especially to those of you who have taken the time to review, it really means a lot to me..._

_Updates will probably be less frequent until the end of January (probably about once every fortnight?) as I have to revise for stupid muggle exams T_T_

_x_


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The next day, she had awoken in her own bedroom unaware of who had carried her upstairs when the Dark Lord had left the previous night.

She could hear raised voices downstairs. Despite herself she was curious and so she moved on to the landing, crouching out of sight to see her father and the Dark Lord facing each other in the entrance hall.

"I will be the one to punish her as I see fit, not you. She is not yet married and is therefore under my authority."

"You have had no power over her, Cygnus, since she took the Dark Mark. She is loyal to me alone. I am her master, she displeased me and she deserved to be punished. You cannot rule her forever, Cygnus; she has a mind of her own."

"My lord, soon she will be married to Rodolphus and will pass into his authority. I do not approve of her being a Death Eater, but I am willing to turn a blind eye as long as it does not interfere with her marriage to Rodolphus."

"Then turn a blind eye, Cygnus. She is not yet married."

"But she soon will be. I have ignored it for this time but you will leave my daughter alone."

How could he pretend to have such control over her? The Dark Lord was the one in control of her life now.

"You cannot tell me or your daughter what to do. Her involvement in the Death Eaters is none of your concern. She has sworn her allegiance to me, and me alone." He was growing angry, but Cygnus seemed not to notice.

"She cannot swear her allegiance to you; it already belongs to the Black family. She is a Black. Our family is put above all else, including the Death Eaters. It is what we have been taught."

"You are saying that the continuance of your family is more important than that of the entire Wizarding race."

"Yes."

The Dark Lord laughed mirthlessly

"Cygnus, you have ideas above your station. You have no power over me or any of my Death Eaters, including your daughter. She is loyal to me now, and to me alone. She swore it when she took the mark. She swore that she would belong to me, not a petty family who never cared for her as they should. You have no choice in the matter, Cygnus. It is my decision to punish her when she does wrong. And if you care for your well being, Cygnus, which I hope you do, for the loss of your life should not be pleasant, then you would well to accept my judgement on the matter." 

The Dark Lord looked up towards the landing and saw her looking down on the conversation. His eyes flashed angrily before he turned on his heel and disapparated.

_Author's note: Sorry this one is a bit short, I've got lots of stuff on at the moment with revising for exams and things, but I'll try to keep updating regularly..._

_Thanks go to Evelyn of the witch hunt again, who helped me write a lot of this chapter. Also thanks to those of you who have reviewed this, it really does mean a lot to me!_

_x_


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12 _

"_When your day is long and the night  
>The night is yours alone<br>When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on  
>Don't let yourself go<br>Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes"_

_Everybody Hurts – R.E.M._

The Dementors had not returned for many days now. Not since she had relived overhearing her father and the Dark Lord arguing about her.

Was it a game? Would they return to torment her when she was least expecting it? Or did they think she was already mad, trapped within the prison of her own mind?

Free from the torture of the Dementors, if not from the cold aura of despair they created within the prison, she was beginning to return to her senses a little.

Was this what they were trying to do? Let her return to some semblance of health to make the torture even worse when it eventually came?

She looked up from her reverie. A slim figure was approaching, guided by a silver patronus. It was Narcissa.

Bellatrix stood up and staggered to the cell door, clutching the damp wall for support.

Narcissa stopped just in front of the door. She peered into the gloom and her eyes widened as she saw her sister.

"Oh, Bella, what have they done to you?"

"It's alright, Cissy. The Dark Lord will come." She had to seem certain, reassuring. She was the older sister.

"Bella, Lucius has talked to the minister. He can get you out; you just have to say that you were under the Imperius curse the whole time. You could come home! Lucius would protect you."

"No, I couldn't betray the Dark Lord like that. I don't need Lucius to protect me."

"Bella, you've suffered enough for the Dark Lord, do you really think he'll come back? I can't go home and leave you here; you don't know what you're doing to me. You're my sister, I care about you."

"You've seen me get hurt before, haven't you? Why should this be any different?"

"Bella, I've seen you tortured by the Dark Lord and beaten by father. I've always healed your wounds, nursed you back to health. Even if I don't agree with what you're doing, I've been here: I'm here now. Where's the Dark Lord? You can't rely on him; he used your support, your faith. But he never loved you, he never cared about you. What if he never comes back for you..." her voice died away, choked by sobs.

"Cissy, just leave me, I don't need your help. You don't have to be involved; you don't have to worry about me. I will wait for the Dark Lord. I don't care how long it takes, he will come and he will reward me. You have Lucius, go home to him. He loves you, he cares about you."

Narcissa turned and staggered away, shaking with tears.

Bellatrix leant back against the damp wall, her face soaked with tears. She couldn't let Narcissa worry about her. She didn't need her pity or help.

That was worse than the Dementors' torture, seeing her sister, her only family, so upset because of her. Why did she care so much, why was she crying? She had used to be the perfect warrior, but now she was reduced to tears by the words of her sister. She had failed the Dark Lord, would he ever come for her?

_Author's note: Sorry I've been a little while in updating, I've been very busy, and the next update will perhaps take longer than expected too, so please bear with me._

_Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story, or added it to their favourites or alerts and everyone who has just read it. Although it would really encourage me if you gave me just a few words telling me what you did or didn't like about my writing._

_x_


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13_

She twisted her hands in her lap, looking down at the ring she still wore, the ring that marked her marriage to Rodolphus. It was worthless now, it always had been. It signified nothing.

"Oh, Bella, you look beautiful."

Bellatrix looked at Narcissa, standing behind her, adjusting her veil.

"Thank you, Cissy." She tried to smile, but couldn't help crying.

"Cissy, I can't do this. I can't marry him just because it's what father wants."

"You have to do this; it's your duty to your family. Once you're married to Rodolphus, father will leave you alone. You'll be free to be part of the Death Eaters."

The door opened and their father entered.

"Come, Bellatrix."

Narcissa smiled encouragingly as Bella took her father's arm and left the room.

They made their way downstairs to the entrance hall, Bella lingering uncertainly. Cygnus pulled his daughter to one side. He leaned towards her, so that his face was inches from hers and spoke menacingly,

"You will go ahead with this, or I will kill you."

"Yes, father." She whispered.

They turned and entered the room where the two families were gathered for the ceremony. As she walked down the aisle, her father gripped her arm tightly, shoving her forwards toward Rodolphus. When they reached the front, Rodolphus looked at her and smiled,

"You look beautiful."

She didn't reply, tears pricking her eyes. Her father was standing right behind her. She knew she had to go through with it.

The ceremony began. Bellatrix let the words wash over her until Rodolphus spoke.

"I do." He smiled and looked at her expectantly. She couldn't speak; she had never felt more alone.

She looked out at the sea of faces. Narcissa, sitting happily next to Lucius, smiled at her, but another face captivated her attention.

It was the Dark Lord, standing at the back of the room, his crimson eyes boring in to her. He smiled slightly and inclined his head towards Rodolphus.

Without taking her eyes off the Dark Lord she whispered "I do." allowing Rodolphus to slip the ring on to her finger.

Later, when she tried to find the Dark Lord, he was gone, no one had seen him.

_Author's note: As always, I would really appreciate feedback on my story, even if it's just a few words saying what you did/ didn't like. Thanks to all of you for reading this, it really does mean a lot to me._

_Sorry if the next update takes a while, as I have to do lots of studying for my stupid Muggle exams!_

_x_


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14_

Later that night, in the cold, damp prison cell, she must have fallen in to an uneasy sleep.

She had been training with the Dark Lord all day, she was quick to learn, but he was impatient.

"Bellatrix, if you can't even accomplish this task, you would have failed if this was a real mission."

With a flick of his wand she was knocked to the ground, he looked down at her,

"Why don't you just run home to Daddy?"

She bit her lip and forced back tears. She couldn't live in her father's shadow any more.

That night she had returned home to find her father alone in the house. She tried to cross the entrance hall silently, but he emerged from the drawing room before she had reached the stairs.

"Bellatrix, where have you been?"

"I've been with the Dark Lord."

She moved to leave, but her father blocked her path, holding her arm to stop her from moving.

"You know that I don't approve of you spending time with the Dark Lord. You should have been spending time with your new husband."

"I'm my own person now, father, you cannot control me. The Dark Lord has taught me magic you could never even dream of."

"Are you really your own person? You're just the Dark Lord's toy, his servant. Do you think he loves you? Do you think he cares about you? You're nothing to him."

"That's not true."

She wished it was as she brought down her wand. There was a flash of green light and her father lay dead before her. It had been easier than she had imagined.

She turned away from her father's body, away from her family home and her old life.

She thought she heard the Dark Lord's voice, whispering in her ear,

"Well done, my Bella, I am proud."

But she couldn't help but let her father's words stay in her mind. Was it true? Did the Dark Lord really not care about her?

She woke in a cold sweat. The events of all those years ago felt so close. Her emotions: the doubt, the confusion and the satisfaction and guilt of killing her father.

She cried as she had done then. Was the Dark Lord really worth it? After everything she had done, after all of her suffering, would he come for her?

_Author's note: Thanks very much to everyone who has reviewed so far, it really does mean a lot. My muggle exams are over now, so I should be writing a lot more..._

_x_


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15 _

"_The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared."  
>― Lois Lowry, the Giver<em>

Bellatrix looked up, roused from her nightmare by a movement at the door of her cell. It was Narcissa.

"Cissy, why are you here?"

"Bella, I had a nightmare last night, about..." she stifled a sob, "about the night father died."

"How can you be upset? He was cruel and vindictive; did he ever once say that he loved us? Or even liked us?" Her tone was bitter. How could Narcissa care so much? Caring just meant she would have more to lose.

"No, he didn't, Bella, but that's not the point. He was my father, our father. I loved him; he was the only parent we had left..." Narcissa's voice died away as she was overcome by tears.

"Narcissa, I killed him." She paused, her sister was looking at her in disbelief, she had to try and explain what she had done, "He was interfering with my life, trying to make me care about Rodolphus, about my family, when the only person who's ever mattered to me is the Dark Lord." Even as she spoke she knew her words weren't true. She did care for Narcissa, she always would. She turned her face away so that her sister wouldn't see her tears.

"Bella, you killed him? Your own father?" she sounded shocked, "does the Dark Lord really mean that much to you? I thought you cared about your family; I thought you cared about me..."

She turned and ran back down the corridor, away from her sister.

Bellatrix slumped against the damp wall, lost in thought. The Dark Lord would surely come for her soon, wouldn't he?

_Author's note: Sorry that this is quite a short chapter, I promise that I will get my act together sometime soon, in the meantime, reviews really do mean a lot to me, so please do let me know what you like/ don't like (although please be nice)_

_Thanks to Evelyn of the Witch Hunt for the plot discussion and Charli for replying to my email!_

_x_


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter 16_

"_If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story."_

_Orson Welles_

It was dark now, it was always dark. The darkness was all she had left anymore; she couldn't even take refuge in her memories.

Now even her sister had left her. Narcissa, who had always been there for her, had abandoned her. It had been days, weeks, perhaps months of sitting alone in the darkness, caressing her Dark Mark, whispering his name.

Would anyone come for her now? Would she die here, alone in the prison, waiting for a master who would never come to save her?

No one visited her anymore, not Narcissa, not even the Dementors. She would welcome even their torture now, letting her know that she was still alive, still human, could still feel pain.

What if the Dark Lord returned, but didn't come back for her? He had called her his most loyal, his most faithful, but did that really mean anything?

She sat up with a gasp as a burning pain shot through her left arm, where the Dark Mark was burned onto her skin. She brought her arm closer to her face, touching it cautiously, could it really be true?

She staggered towards the door, ragged fingernails clasping the damp wall as she struggled to remain standing.

Finally he had come for her.

The End

_Author's note: I'm actually really upset that I've finished this fic; it feels like a little part of me has died..._

_Thanks to all of my friends and readers for encouraging me to write this, especially to Evelyn of the Witch Hunt for plot advice and discussion, Charli for replying to my emails and offering opinions and Bryony for encouragement and cups of tea!_

_x_


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